Expert Guidance from a Men’s Relationship Coach

Building on Rock vs. Building on Sand During His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus spoke of a wise man who built his house on rock, while a foolish man built his house on sand. When floods came and winds blew, the house on sand collapsed but the one built on rock withstood the storm. How might Jesus’ parable apply to our culture today and the common human quest to achieve happiness? What Is the Happiness Equation? To explore this, let’s first define what happiness even is. The Happiness Equation is simply this: Pleasure + Meaning = Happiness It’s no surprise that, of these two components, our culture is hyper-focused on pleasure - perhaps more so than ever before. But why? A Modern Equation : Pleasure and the Pressure to Perform Here’s another formula to consider in today’s pursuit of happiness: Social Media + FOMO = Ever-Escalating Need for Pleasure There is not only an increasing desire to experience pleasure but also an increasing need to broadcast it. And the bar for what qualifies as “worthy” of public display keeps rising - often to unattainable levels for most. The Travel Trap Consider the explosion of global travel. While many people struggle just to keep up with rising costs of essentials, others seem to collect countries visited like trading cards. It’s becoming a cultural norm where a vacation isn’t “real” unless it’s international, frequent, and exotic. Today, people document riding elephants, standing before pyramids, or wrestling sharks - and share it all online. We’re not critiquing the love of travel, cultural experiences, or exploration. But the sheer volume and extravagance has become the modern version of “keeping up with the Joneses.” Does More Pleasure Equal More Happiness? How does all this impact the Happiness Equation? Is there a direct correlation between more pleasurable experiences and increased happiness? According to recent mental health statistics, the answer appears to be no. Global rates of depression and anxiety are at all-time highs. This suggests that increasing pleasure alone doesn’t create lasting happiness. It’s only half the equation. Are We Neglecting Meaning? Many may already be realizing that our culture emphasizes pleasure while largely neglecting meaning. To return to Jesus’ parable: we are building our quest for happiness on sand - not rock. Viktor Frankl and the Power of Meaning A secular lens to view this through is offered by Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and renowned psychologist. While imprisoned in four concentration camps, Frankl observed fellow inmates’ behaviors and mental states - while serving as a camp physician. These experiences inspired his groundbreaking book, Man’s Search for Meaning. What Did Frankl Discover? The people who survived and even later thrived were not the strongest, smartest, or most accomplished. They were the ones who maintained a deep sense of meaning and purpose in life. Were these people happy in the camps? Of course not. There was little to no pleasure - only suffering. But meaning kept them going. Balancing the Equation: Meat and Potatoes vs. Hot Fudge Sundaes If we think of meaning as the meat and potatoes in the happiness equation, it’s what sustains and strengthens us. Pleasure? That’s the hot fudge sundae - exciting and joyful, but not enough to live on alone. If all you eat are sundaes, you’ll eventually suffer from malnutrition. In the same way, pleasure without meaning leaves our souls unsatisfied. Final Thought: Build on Rock, Not Sand As you pursue happiness, remember this simple equation: Enjoy your sundae - but don’t forget the meat and potatoes. And above all, build your foundation on rock, not sand.

The Common Struggle with Prayer Prayer is one of the essential aspects of working on one’s faith. When it comes to prayer, almost anyone ends up asking themselves at least occasionally if they are doing it correctly. It almost calls to mind someone who has an “ anxious attachment ” in their relationships: · “Is He there?” · “Why doesn’t He answer?” · “Did I do something wrong?” · “Does He still love me?” · “Did He ever love me?” Have you ever felt this way when trying to work on your faith and relationship with God? If so, pause. Take a few deep breaths. And reflect on this— There Is No "Right" or "Wrong" Way to Pray There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong way to pray. The important thing is your earnest desire to communicate and foster a relationship with God. That said, here are a few components of praying to consider: 1. Pray with Intention If you were brought up in a home where prayer was said every dinnertime, think of how rote that ritual may have become. The words may have come out mechanically, without any thought behind them. This type of praying may be something to avoid. Rather, consider what it is you want to say and why you want to share it with God. 2. Prayer Is Not Transactional Try to avoid bargaining with God. “If you help me get this job, I promise I will go to church every day for the rest of my life.” There isn’t anything wrong with praying for something meaningful to you in your life. However, striking “deals” may not be the best way to go about it. God does have a plan for you, but it isn’t a business proposal. 3. Keep It Real Sincerity is really what this is all about. A sincere desire to communicate and open your heart and soul to God is more important than how you pray. The mechanics are not important. Your intentions are. 4. Be Consistent and Patient We are conditioned by our culture much in the way of those old laboratory mice. Push a lever, and a tasty food pellet comes out— instant gratification. Pick up our phones, tap the screen, and shiny images and messages flash before our eyes— instant dopamine. God doesn’t operate like our phones. He isn’t conditioning us with the pleasure principle. His focus is on meaning, and His plans for us are far grander than Amazon.com and Instagram. The Beauty of Imperfect Prayer The bottom line is there isn’t any need to overthink the correct way to pray. Think of God like a loving parent watching over His child, whom He loves more than anything in the universe. If He is watching His child take their first steps, will He mind if that child stumbles? Will He be angry if that child walks sideways for a moment? Would He be displeased even if that child falls back gently on their butt? Of course not.  If He sees that child pick themselves back up and try again, He will beam with a love unlike any other. He will be happy. And that child will continue to walk on the righteous path in life with a spring in their step and God in their heart.

A Common Dining Dilemma You’re out on a big date with your significant other; you’ve been looking forward to this night for weeks; you carefully selected an elegant restaurant, which you think you’ll both enjoy (after endlessly going back and forth between options!). The somewhat snobby waiter brings out your orders. After pouring yourself a glass of wine, you cut into your filet mignon. To your great disappointment, your steak is well done. You clearly ordered it rare. How do you handle this situation? Three Common Responses to Conflict Many people would pick one of the following three options: 1. Passive Response They say and do nothing. They muddle through chewing their tough-as-leather, overpriced steak and try to make the best of the situation. 2. Passive-Aggressive Response They say nothing but fail to leave a tip for the snobby waiter—knowing it may not be his fault but, hey, they feel a need to deal with the frustration somehow. 3. Aggressive Response They demand to speak to their waiter in a voice loud enough for many other patrons to hear. They embarrass their date by acting in a way not unlike Jack Nicholson in The Shining as he chops through a bathroom door with an ax. Understanding Conflict Styles The above ways of responding to this scenario represent three styles of how people commonly deal with potentially conflictual situations: 1. Passively 2. Passively aggressively 3. Aggressively Many of us feel that the above three styles are our only options in dealing with such things. However, there is another:  ASSERTIVELY Why Assertiveness Matters Perhaps the scenario in question represents a first-world problem. However, we all face many situations with others, which play a major role in the quality of our lives. · How do we respond when we feel judged or criticized by a family member? · What’s our reaction when a co-worker speaks to us in a disrespectful manner? · What do we say when a friend keeps asking for money that’s never paid back? The Assertive Approach Assertiveness is responding in a clear, confident, but quiet and non-aggressive manner. Think “walk softly and carry a big stick.” We are respectful and polite to those we are speaking to but know that we need to advocate for ourselves and what is best for us. Here is how one might respond assertively to our original scenario with the leather steak: “Excuse me sir. I’m disappointed with my steak. I ordered it rare, but it is quite well done. I’d appreciate having a fresh one, and some consideration for our meals not being ready at the same time.” Assertiveness: A Lifelong Skill There is often a learning curve for assertiveness to become second nature. However, it is a skill that, once mastered, will pay dividends for the rest of our lives—especially when what’s at stake is more than just steak!

Explore the transformative power of love through a powerful story of pain, redemption, and faith. Discover how love can endure all things, as seen in both personal experiences and the wisdom of Viktor Frankl.

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The Link Between Multitasking and Mental Health Worldwide rates of depression and anxiety are at all-time highs. There may not be one simple reason we can point to in attempting to explain this. However, there is little doubt that a contributing factor can be summarized by a single word we hear all too often: multitasking. The Myth of Productivity We all have responsibilities that need to be met and multiple demands upon our time. However, many of us attempt to do too much in the mistaken assumption that it makes us more productive. It is important to remember that quantity can adversely affect quality. However, it is not merely a question of productivity that is of concern here. Sleep : A Shocking Statistic In 1960 only 2% of Americans averaged less than 7 hours of sleep nightly. Today that percentage has grown to almost 40%! Adequate sleep is crucial to both physical and emotional well-being. Your brain “sweeps” itself clean of toxins during sleep, so you are literally poisoning yourself by not getting enough! What are we doing differently in today’s world that is causing us to do this to ourselves? Have Demands Really Increased Over Time? Here’s the question: Do people today really have more responsibility and demands on their time as compared to people in 1960? In 1960 my father was a full-time student while working two jobs to pay for his education. I don’t think my father ever suffered a day of depression or excess anxiety in his life. What I’m driving at is that today’s world seems to be cultivating a culture that compulsively engages in more, more and more. How many of the things that we do are truly necessary? Indeed, how many of the things we do are vital in positively impacting the quality of our lives and our emotional well-being? The name of the game here is to learn to simplify our lives wherever possible. Parents : It is O.K. if your child is not participating in 5 different clubs and/or team sports; let them have their down time too. College students : Your resume upon graduation doesn’t need to list achievements in an enormous array of extracurricular activities while maintaining a perfect 4.0 GPA. Everyone : Cut down the internet chatter and block out “technology” free breaks in your daily schedule. Nothing bad will happen if you do this for a couple hours each day to focus all your attention on family, friends, or simple reflection on your own. I would encourage all of us to start looking at where we can cut back on the hectic pace of our lives. Where can we “streamline”? What can we give up? Can we cut back by 30 minutes daily internet screen time, watching TV, or the length of work meetings? The Power of Simplification I realize what I am suggesting goes against the grain of our culture today. However, please do not underestimate the power of learning how to simplify your life.

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